Brooklyn Nets fire Nash, hire public relations coordinator

Who wouldn't want to do PR for this guy?

Who wouldn’t want to do PR for this guy?
Image: Getty Images

For those who haven’t paid attention to the NBA in recent years because you’re still dreaming of the Larry Bird days, the Brooklyn Nets are a mess. Some kind of pen mess that explodes on your lunch.

Tuesday, a the tweet went viral which showed that the Nets have a job opening for a public relations coordinator. Since the Nets are so dysfunctional, working for them feels like bi-weekly therapy sessions. Enjoy this scene from a play that will never be performed (or completed) called The Brooklyn Net-wits:

INT. BARCLAY’S CENTER – DAY

Anonymous job seeker, resume in hand, meets with Nets chiefs to discuss role of open PR coordinator

APPLICANT: Hello I am [insert applicant full name here]. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me

NET RECRUITMENT MANAGER: Thanks for dropping by today, [insert applicant first name here]. Sit down, please. So it says here that you’ve been working in public relations for two years now.

APPLICANT: Yes, I started with the Kane County Cougars.

HIRING MANAGER: It really doesn’t matter. Nothing you learned at work or at university can be applied here – unless you worked for Dan Snyder. Please tell me you worked for Dan Snyder. If you can tell me how he came to appear as a warm-blooded creature, I’ll let you pay for coffees.

APPLICANT: I applied there once, but got an out of office message from the HR office.

HIRING MANAGER: No matter. So here’s the thing, we haven’t done anything right as a franchise in the decade since we moved to Brooklyn.

APPLICANT: Aren’t you a little harsh?

HIRING MANAGER: Absolutely not. Do you remember the exchange of Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett?

APPLICANT: Have y’all ever had a first-round draft pick?

HIRING MANAGER: Alsowe had a Owner of the Russian oligarch, and later questions why Andrei Kirilenko signed with the aforementioned oligarch for US$7 million less than he could have received elsewhere.

APPLICANT: I applauded you all in my room for coming out of this investigation unscathed.

HIRING MANAGER: And let’s not forget Deron Williams spontaneously burning out. Trump was still hosting “The Apprentice” when it all fell apart. Things only got worse here. If it wasn’t for the fact that the few season ticket holders we have only drink IPAs, we’d be screwed.

APPLICANT: Brooklyn is the best! Live from Bedford-Stuyvesant the liveliest.

HIRING MANAGER: Do you like Biggie?

APPLICANT: I haven’t started listening to an album yet, but it’s in my Spotify queue. My cafe plays it all the time though. … But, I digress. Kyrie seems to be the most noticeable issue, so I have this five-point plan on how to reintegrate.

HIRING MANAGER: Do you have a plan to bring the NBA’s most annoying personality since Peter Vescey back into the public good graces?

APPLICANT: I certainly do. We start with Kyrie going…

(The hiring manager cuts the candidate off.)

HIRING MANAGER: You wanna try telling Kyrie Irving where to go?

APPLICANT: I was going to make a suggestion.

HIRING MANAGER: Here’s how things work here. In this department, we are firefighters. You come to work, slide down the pole, put on a fireproof suit and hard hat, and go to work.

APPLICANT: I understand damage control, but there is also an opportunity to rebuild its image as well as that of the franchise.

HIRING MANAGER: You’ve seen a forest fire on TV, haven’t you? Well, the Nets are a forest, and our players and our personnel department are climate change. All you can do is dump buckets of water from a helicopter and pray for unusual rain, or in our case, a coach of a championship-caliber team getting swallowed up in a misconduct scandal. at work that reminds us that even after Harvey Weinstein and Louie CK, many people still don’t understand how thin the line is between consent and power, usurping our news incompetence.

APPLICANT: But it was like two months ago. Kyrie tweeted about an anti-Semitic film last week. Also, isn’t Ime Udoka about to be the coach here?

HIRING MANAGER: Hey! At this point, it’s a credible report that hasn’t been confirmed or denied by the organization, but now you get my analogy. If you’re still interested in the job, it pays an entry-level salary of $30,000. You will be expected to work more than 50 hours per week, so you won’t have time for an extra job. The average rent for a studio apartment in this borough is $2,900, and your shower will likely be hooked up to the kitchen sink. Due to inflation and our free-thinking watch point, you will also sometimes have to make tough choices between aspirin for your stress-induced headaches or your lunch.

APPLICANT: Thanks for your time, but I think the cafe is still hiring.

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